There has been a shift in the seasons; the mildness of spring has given way to the blistering heat of summer. For whatever reason, this shift stirs a change in the souls of otherwise intelligent men. Call it “rut”, “peacocking”, or “conquesting”, but many of the male persuasion believe that by donning skimpy shorts, they will be able to woo their fellow patrons of public pools and water parks. As we approach this summer season, let us temper our moods by considering some epic June failures.
The Seven Days Battles were fought between June 25 and July 1, 1862. The Union General, George B. McClellan was a principled man, and supported the just cause of the North. A brilliant tactician, however, he was not. He engaged the South near Richmond, Virginia, and over the next seven days lost 16,000 men. General Robert E. Lee pushed McClellan back to the James River, and relative safety. Was McClellan’s cause noble? Absolutely! Did his desire for conquest end in embarrassment? Alas, it did. One can only assume that from that point on, any attempt at ambition was met with a “Remember Richmond” by his wife.
June 18th will mark the 202nd anniversary of the Battle of Waterloo. The French army was led by one of the most brilliant Generals to ever live, Napoleon Bonaparte (though to be fair, he would’ve had to shop for his Speedo in the Junior’s section). Bonaparte’s army was met by two armies: the Seventh Coalition led by the Duke of Wellington, and a Prussian army led by Gebhard Leberecht von Blucher. Bonaparte fought bravely, and was close to victory, but ultimately he lost to a duke from a town named after boots and a guy whose last name makes horses whinny.
Brethren, let us learn from the mistakes of our forebears. Ego does not equate to conquest. A lack of inhibition does not a lover make! Before you reach for that suntan lotion, strap on your mankini, and assault us with your visual crimes, remember the epic embarassment of McClellan and Bonaparte.
Not to worry, however, Provident Metals has provided a way for you to enjoy a summer conquest. We are giving away an MS70 Antiqued Conquest 1 oz Silver Round! Want to enter? Simply tell us about your epic summer failure by the end of the day on June 25th, or lie about some conquest if you’d rather. We won’t judge… The winner will be announced on June 26th.
Taylor Bisset says
A day in the river is always fun, and sunscreen is a must when the sun is beating down hard. Unfortunately, I had reached for baby oil and lathered it on. After spending all day in the water, I was red as a summer sunset from the nipples up… from there down, I was white as snow. There was no recovering from a burn that bad; it lasted all summer long :'(
David Bryan says
It was the summer of ’68…………1968 for you young people. It was always a treat as a young 10 year old to visit my grandparents, on both sides of the family. Today, I want to share a life changing experience I had that summer. You see, one set of grandparents owned a convenience store. That’s not all that special, but what my wise grandfather did during these years was truly special to a 10 year old and to a 58 year old as I write.
He had the foresight to exchange all Morgan silver dollars for folding money. Well, that summer, they showed me their stash, hidden way up in the attic. Boxes and boxes of these “special coins” They explained to me that these coins would some day be very valuable.
I never forgot those coins. Years later, I started purchasing my own pile of silver coins. I think that “some day” is just around the corner.
Geoff M says
From the “No wonder I got it so cheap” department:
A 10 Kroner gold coin from 1900 is worth about half of a 20 Kroner gold coin from 1900 — who knew? You’d think something that important would be engraved right onto the coin — er, never mind… Oh, that’s why the Air-Tite capsule is oversized…
Darin E Meadows says
My epic fail seems to be excitedly entering contests hoping by some miracle of chance i might WIN! Here’s the kicker this contest ends on my birthday. Well lets see if turning 50 changes anything , i wont get my hopes up that way no disappointment.
Lovie Ball says
It was the Summer of 2014. July 4th, at a fair/market. Made my first purchases in silver from a wonderful vendor there. His advice, “Make small purchases as you can.”. I try monthly to pick up some silver or 1/10 of gold. It has added up quickly. I now have a good start on silver (coins, rounds, bars), gold, and even junk silver. All started by chance, and a conversation with a coin vender. Had a couple of fails, but I consider myself way ahead.
Angela A Trusty says
All my summers have had some drama in them, it wouldn’t be summer without them.
The hotter it gets, the weirder things get. Summer is a very expensive season of the year for repairs, broken bones, and failed air conditioners. Look forward to it every year.
Kyle says
Went to the bank for the first time to ask if they had any half dollars. They said yes, and sold me a handful at face value. Got two 90% halves! Hell yeah. For ~$13 in silver for just a dollar, I was so proud of myself. On the way home I couldn’t stop handling them and accidentally dropped them between the seat. Looked down to reach in and suddenly ran into the curb on the highway. Two tires blew out and cracked both rims. Slowly made my way to the tire shop to be told it’ll be over $500 for the tires alone, not including rims….all because of $13 in silver.
Mikey B says
Epic fail…got hurt by a piece of construction equipment, big time, lost time nd wages nd put a hurtin on my body for the rest of my life. Didn’t pursue it in time allowed nd I lost out on approx $1.2M….I can’t stand 2 think about it so I keep at it hard, with a never give up attitude, nd I’ll earn it back someway, someday, hopefully w/o getting hurt by something due 2 someone’s carelessness. If that does happen again, I know exactly what 2 do! Even so that kinda money isn’t worth getting busted up 4 nd living in pain the rest of yur life. Rock on! Silver rules!
Timothy H. says
Summer of ’99. I was attempting to write the great American novel. Actually, it was a sci-fi novel with a fairly interesting concept I ended up quitting a few chapters in to start a vampire novel. I then quit that several chapters in due to a lack of planning on what the story line would actually be about. Long story short, I didn’t become a novelist that summer.
Sonny says
When I was a kid, I went to summer camp. There was a slide. A long, long, metal slide that they waxed to make slippery. The camp counselors would stand at the bottom and catch you. I started to go down, and right as I did, the counselors decided to walk away. I kept going faster, faster, faster, until I was just a blur. By the time I got to the bottom, I flew off about ten feet, landing my keester right on a pile of gravel. I slid. I scraped. I never went back to camp again.
Tyler says
Probably more of a lesson in manhood; my best friend and I were both 10, and argued about nothing one day, and almost ended our friendship because of it. We fought and worked it out though, and we learned to not hold grudges. That’s what women do.
Monique says
After high school graduation most graduates migrate to Mexico for a few weeks for the summer. My best friend and I went mazatlan mexico. We spent two days on the worst train ride I’d ever been on to get there. The towels over flowed and piss was floating on the floor of the carriage and the windows were welded shut. The smell was made worse by the 100 degree heat in the middle of July. We were having a blast when we first got there until the last few days. While we were there my best friend of 10 years met some new friends to hang out with. She took off with them. She met some guy in the party. I couldn’t find my friend the last three days I was there. Then, I found out she decided to fly back home a day early. When I went through my bag I was missing money. The only money I had left was in my pocket. No one knew where the money was hidden except her. I really didn’t want to take the horrible train ride home so my mother made arrangements from the US side to fly me home. I had to find a way to the airport. Two cute boys were going there and let me ride with them. When I got to the airport they wanted me to pay more money to get on the plane. The attendant said it was some sort of tax. A very nice man gave me the extra money that the airport attendant wanted. After I got home I tried to see my best friend and found that while we were in Mexico, her mother sold her house and moved. I hadn’t seen my so called best friend growing up since then. Worst summer of my life. It made me grow up a lot. I realize friendships end and fall away after school.
Nick says
Epic summer fail. 1996 two guys two girls loaded up in my trublo charged Courger with 200k+ miles and head from the mid west to Florida. We made it 4 hours at 90mph until engine dropped out of the car. We spent the night in that car wating for one of our very unhappy parents to show up.
Orville Humphries says
My epic summer fail was in the summer of 1992. I was in the United States Navy serving on the USS Sacramento Aoe 1. We were supposed to be pulling out and the morning of I slept in, in the hotel I rented after partying all night the night before. To make a long story short I missed ships movement and got in huge trouble. I had to go to Captains mass and had only a week added on to my enlistment. So instead of getting out in February 93 I had to wait until March to get out. But with all that I still did receive an honerable discharge and got all my medals from serving In Desert Storm.
Jan Stachura says
I was stationed in Hawaii (Oahu) in the late 60’s. My favorite pastime was bodysurfing the big waves. One day the wave surge was huge and I happened to catch a good one. However I was positioned too far forward and the tidal monster actually flung me head first into the nearly vertical beach. There I sat impaled into the sand trying to recover my breath while the backwash of surf and sand rapidly filled my trunks from behind with 50 lbs of sand and sea water. As I frantically tried to save my trunks from getting torn off and being washed back into the Pacific Ocean I heard some feminine giggles from up the strand behind me. A quick embarrassing glance brought 3 big “Mama’s” into view. My trunks now weighed 100 lbs and were positioned about mid calf! I realized that my only prayer—to keep from becoming totally bare naked—was to let the receding surf flow me back down into the ocean where I might have a chance to empty and recover my trunks. I nearly drowned that day but succeeded in pulling my trunks back up around my waist. I was hoping the ladies would give up on seeing anymore of my Hoale (mainlander) nakedness and leave the otherwise deserted beach. They didn’t! And I finally recovered enough to ride a more gentle wave back into shore whereupon I bravey stalked off the beach to their appreciative applause! OUCH!
David A Roberts says
My epic June failure involved a cricket that Got in my room one night and about three in the morning it decided to try to find a mate the battle ensued The battle Went on for a period of three days finally after three nights without sleeping bloodshot eyes worse than the sailors hangover The cricket decided to go on to we could say greener pasture I never did or was able to find him it’s funny how we can meet our Waterloo and smile about it
Julian Beard says
Few years back my summer included getting fired from my job, catching my girlfriend cheating, and putting down my dog. Haven’t been able to top that one.
Lue says
Ah, my favorite story to tell people…
One summer, i got a “free puppy”. Someone was giving away a box of them so i figured “oh maybe a free puppy would be nice for my lonely life”. I took it home and tried to give it some deli meat. It threw up all over my floor. Called the floor cleaners to take care of it. As i took the pup to the vets. Found out it can only eat expensive specialty made dog food for it. Few days later it was grinding its ass on the floor whimpering. I didn’t know whats wrong so i took it to the vet again. It got worms and needs shots. Gave it the shots and immedietly after it started swelling up cuz it was allergic reaction. Had to give it more pricey shots to cover up the side effects of the first shot.
Two weeks later i mention to my daughter of my new pup and then she told the grandkids. They all got so excited and even my daughter was so insistent to have them see it i flew them down across seas. They came barging in the front door running to pet and play with the puppy. They cant ever keep any pets cuz the husband is allergic to every animal on the planet. So my daughter convinced me to pay international plane tickets for day to day visits.
Few weeks later it starts to swell up like a balloon again. Took it to the vet gave it dozens of shots like before but wasn’t getting better and gave it expensive new top of the line pet scanning. There was a lago trapped in its kidney from when it was playing with the kids. Turns out it had a special allergy to lagos to have to getting even more pricier technological advance shots and the surgery after. Also more shots after to help keep it alive. At that point it needed shots regularly and needs even a pricier kind of doggy food and diapers! It always runs around when it needs a change. The diaper flys off and messy poop goes everywhere! Always needed to call in specialty bio-hazard cleaners after each time it poops pretty much cuz the drug shots just make the dookie a bad thing to handle without pro help.
Months later kids fed it another damn lago! So had to get surgery again. And since it got trapped in the other kidney it needed “extra special” specialty dogfood made of ben franklin bills (may as well be). It got the point where i got sick and tired of this madness. Tried to give it away but noone wants it as the pup and i been all over the news and everyone knows my bio-hazard making dog. Can’t let it roam free neither so i went to a gunshop. Since it is still just a small puppy a normal gun wont do or it will be splatter house and may go to prison for spreading biohazard. .22 long rifle bullets wouldnt do. Can’t put it to sleep cuz the shots made it create immunity pretty much to most other drugs.
Gun keeper said there is 1 antique gun weilded by sum “brilliant general who ever lived” or whatever. Only been recently discovered, was super small so the history captain whatever can wield it. Historians thought it to be some espionage weapon since it was never been mention in public records. Anyhow, contacted some sad collector and had me rent it for big bucks after government contracts were signed (its a historic piece a suppose). Took the small puppers to an empty allyway and shot it dead. The media regularly visits my place to have updates of the pups condition. I just told them to buzz off. Guess they were desperate for any story (local news am i right?).
They sent an undercover journalist dressed as a hooker. Told me she felt “such a wonderful brave man” for what i got to go through taking care of such a sickly pup. Feeding to my ego. Welp… what i came to learn the next morning ego does not equate to conquest (was never a cat person anyhow ya know what i’m sayin’?). She just got me drunk and had me confess of me ridding the puppers. Hit the news and these animal rights activits put me through court….and i lost! From the cleaners to the gun, i spent over $3,845,997 and 5 f#^%ing cents! So no bail and got to spend the rest of my days in prison…..
“Free puppy”…. man, that’s how they get ya.
Jeff says
My first car was a 1966 Lincoln Continental 2 door. I spent months getting the car ready so that it would pass inspection. The first weekend I took the car out a teenager made a left turn in front of me and I plowed into him! Ruined the rest of the summer.
Jeremy Felix says
I was at the hunting camp with my father in law. It was a cool and moonless night and I had to well… you know… pee. So like any respectable hunter I walked out the back door onto the porch to enjoy the night breeze and watch the steam rise from the ground as I did my business. Alas, I could not see and almost fell off the porch. No worries, I managed to save myself from the perilous 4 foot drop.
I unzipped my pants and realized that it must be really cold outside. No other explanation for what I held in my hand.
After finishing up I turned around to go back inside. Unfortunately I was completely disoriented and feeling my way through the dark like I was playing pin the tail on the donkey.
Naturally, while trying to find the door, I smashed my shin on a wooden chair. A heavy wooden chair. It didn’t budge. I crumpled.
As I crawled inside I got an ice pack to put on my shin. What a lump, scrape, and bruise I had. It was swollen for days and hurt like heck.
After the weekend trip, I came back to the family. My little girls knew that “Dad had been on an adventure with Papa…”. I mean, I couldn’t tell them I was trying to shoot Bambi. Could I?
They see my shin and ask “Oh no Dad, what happened?” Naturally, I lied…
I told them that while on the adventure Papa was attacked by a pack of wolves! Seeing the attack I came to his rescue and beat them all up and saved him!!! In the process a wolf bit me on the shin, but in the end, I got the better of it!
They listened wide eyed and in awe. Certainly they knew I was kidding… WRONG!!!
The next day both of my daughters’ school teachers asked my wife about the wolf attack. The kids then proceeded to tell me they told their entire classes!!! Fast forward another week. My dad, my mother-in-law, our neighbors, and practically any person that would listen heard the story from my girls. Complete strangers heard of my heroism!
So yea… I’m kind of a big deal. You know, “Dad the wolf slayer and savior of Papa.” Just another day as an ordinary Demi-dad. (Yes, that’s an allusion to the Disney movie Moana. I am a dad of little girls after all.)
They still search my shin for the scar from the wolf bite and ask to be told the story.
What can I say? Epic fail turned epic conquest.
JC says
I’ll get some good deal for junk silver coins.
William jones says
My summer failure: I am currently staying with friends until I find my own place. It is bad enough trying to get past the economic discrimination and affordable housing shortage here in los angeles. But what is worse! Is this neighborhood of prejudice black folks especially the neighbors (nosey as hell), badgering and mocking me and my family from the other side of the wall and out in the street when they gather together and mock me. Since I am not the owner of the property, and do not want to make waves for the owner, I have not said anything to the people who are creating this offensive and criminal behavior. However, it has gotten out of control and happening now on a regular basis. In the street when I am present, it is all smiles and greetings, but when I am not there, they speak(yell) loud enough in there conversations(insults and profanities against me and my family)that they know I can hear them. This is what black people do? And this is supposed to be a middle class civilized black neighborhood, with nice homes. I cannot tell you how this summer adventure( disaster) is going to end, but, it shure would be nice to come across that free silver coin your giving away. Maybe it will help in my (conquest) over the current situation. I would like to note, that I am not prejudice, the people that are harassing me from a-far, just happen to be black. I hope that no one( white or black), has to go through this summer the way I have. Sincerely: William J.
Coins A-Z says
Have you ever had to admit to others that a significant financial decision you made was a complete failure? If not….consider yourself lucky. I can’t consider myself so lucky because such a total fail happened to me in the summer of 2008.
So this true story starts out in the Spring of 2008. Around the beginning of April of that year I received notice from my attorney who’d been dealing for months with the legal matters related to the inheritance of a life insurance claim of a deceased family member….namely a fairly substantial amount of cash (at least “substantial” to me….a janitor, who, for a number of years at that time, was trying to save up enough money to be able to afford a mortgage that wasn’t going to take me decades to pay down). The attorney told me over the phone that I was to inherit $61,000 after all legal fees were covered. While the circumstances of the life insurance inheritance was still quite poignantly painful, nonetheless I was very happy to get the news about a payment that was coming to me soon.
After meeting with the lawyer and signing more documents and while awaiting the check (which took many weeks to arrive), I decided to seek the financial advice of friends and a financial advisor since I’ve never had so much cash at one time and since I knew that the amount to be paid would not stretch nearly as far as I’d initially thought. I got a range of advice; the financial advisor’s advice seemed, at the time, to be most convincing to me….to invest it all into the stock market. The advice seemed particularly astute being that for months previous to this point while occasionally catching the 30 second “business segment” on my AM radio news channel, I’d been hearing how the paper markets were hot and vaguely recalling how the Dow hit some sort of high not that long before, like in October of the previous year (2007) or there about. So of course this seemed to make sense to me at that time that the stock market was the best way to invest…jumping on board the express to riches could finally be my reality and I could turn that $60,000 into so much more. I could even conceivably buy, with my money doubling in the hot stock market, a small house outright. One of my friends (another friend called him a “gold bug”) during this time period suggested something to me which sounded silly; that was to invest most or a significant portion of that money into precious metals. At that time, I didn’t even know what a precious metal was. Needless to say, I concluded that this “gold bug” friend couldn’t possibly be as smart as a financial advisor and so when I finally did get the life insurance money in June of 2008, I gladly entrusted the financial advisor who invested that money entirely onto the paper markets.
Of course all seemed to be going fine during June and for the entire summer, but come the Fall (no pun intended) of 2008, I would quickly come to learn what a complete failure that decision in June actually was. “Devastated” could rightfully sum up how I felt throughout the closing months of 2008. My substantial amount of money and the dreams hinging on that June investment I made was like a fateful, overly hopeful launch of a ship (thought to be impervious to sinking) that ended up as a ship wreck in the middle of the sea. The ensuing ship wreck of investment that followed that same year left me having to admit a couple of years later that the decision I made that June was a complete failure.
Since then, and after realizing that my “gold bug” friend actually had much better advice at that time, I knew I needed a financial plan that included long term investing in tangible commodities like physical precious metals. Over the last several years I’ve been putting what little I can save after all the bills and expenses are paid, into accumulating whatever silver and gold I can afford on a janitor’s salary.
I am now building wealth one precious metals brick at a time instead of sinking money into paper dreams.
Davin says
I needed to start stocking up on firewood. A friend had a few trees that needed to come down to open up a view. I was told to take the 4 trees on the left, behind the house.
I walked behind the house, saw 4 big trees on the left and took them down. I was still cutting them up when they got home. “What did you do”? They aaked excitedly. I told them I took down the 4 trees on the left.
They walked me to the back of the yard. We turned to face the house and they pointed to the left and said those trees. I told them from the view of the house that is the right side.
Maybe it was their epic fail or mine but the wrong trees came down.
Dan DeAntonellis says
I was on vacation 2 years ago with my 5 years old daughter to the shore. It rain every day and cold. Did not bring any games with us to entertain inside. The whole vacation was a mess.
Andy Connolly says
Made big summer plans for a family vacation but will now be deployed so had to cancel them
Ryan C. says
Was watching an auction for a pretty rare coin and saw it was ending soon and was still at a very cheap price. Thought I would pick it up since the one picture I saw showed an almost AU coin. Bid, won, paid. Finally decided to check ALL the pictures to find the reverse of the coin severely damaged by corrosion or acid. No wonder I got it so cheap.
Ed Champion says
After only 19 years I again am going to finish restoring the 1970 MGB in the garage. It’s getting done this summer. again
Paul says
5 years ago in summer of 2012 I yelled back at some cop and did not obey his orders. I got slammed down in the middle of the street bruised, bloodied, and charged with resisting arrest. I had done nothing wrong except annoy this cop who’d approached me, and basically I was resisting being arrested for no reason. By the end of the incident, about 15 cops had converged on the scene (as backup) all fired up and aggressive to handle this “major” incident. They had such a crap case against me that after almost a year of my trial being postponed multiple times and negotiated behind the scenes by my lawyer (who was also buddies with all the cops and judges), my charge was finally reduced to “disturbing the peace” which amounted to the equivalent of playing loud music and ended up being about a $200 fine. I guess this was my epic summer failure.
Mage Lee says
I was on a way to a show in July when my fan clutch broke and sent the fan like a ninja star through my radiator causing the car to overheat, a $700 repair, and if that wasn’t bad enough the overheating caused the master computer to fail another $1250, epic failure and lost battle!